"Darrel & Dean"
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"Darrel + Dean" Gay Couple Reading by Jean Mastellone
Names and other identifying facts have been changed.
Any similarity to person's living or dead is purely coincidental.
This is a reading on a homosexual who has been living with a partner named "Dean" for the past ten years. They act effeminate. Both are in their late thirties. Darrell, beneath a soft exterior, is extremely frustrated and angry. In an affected and feminine voice, he regularly whines to Dean,
"I'm tired of you."
"I want another lover".
"You're wearing me down."
"You're wearing me out."
His anger is usually kept hidden by his passivity. He's reluctant to show any kind of strength or vigor. His movements and manner are fragile, but inside I'm seeing him so frustrated he's almost bursting out of his skin.
I'm seeing that his frustration manifests outwardly in typical feminine-like homosexual gestures and verbalizations But, they, and the feeling behind them, aren't actually feminine. They're of another kind. Darrell's voice, and the way he accents certain syllables, isn't him trying to appear feminine, it's related mainly to his ongoing suppressed emotional state.
The accented syllables are sounds generated by a deep frustration that can't get out. Or, more accurately, that he isn't allowing out. As a result, his words and voice sounds, start out at one level, then, they drop off sharply and become variable as he articulates.
Outwardly, Darrell keeps putting down his partner. Repeatedly tells him the relationship is over and he's had enough of him. Inwardly and subconsciously, I'm seeing just the opposite, subconsciously he is saying,
"I can't live without you.
I can't live without someone like myself."
He is full of similar conscious-subconscious contradictions...many relate to his parents and his early childhood circumstances.
Subconscious thoughts,
"I'm so attached to my mother,but I can't let her know that I need her."
"I must keep my movements and my feelings restricted.
I must appear feminine so my father will love me.
I'm in a deep, dark hole and can't get out.
I love my mother, but can't ever show it.
I want to be with her, but keep it hidden."
Darrell plays the feminine role in the relationship, even though both partners project that quality about themselves. He thinks of his penis as a "pussy," and longs for female body parts-- a common wish for many gay males.
He usually feels alone and lonely, and this is heightened by his great fear of honest expression, which leaves him essentially isolated and disconnected from everyone around him. He also feels like there's something wrong--really wrong--with him. This adds to his loneliness and isolation. He thinks,
"No love for me anymore.
I am desolate and alone."
"I touch no one and no one touches me.
It's all pretense, superficial bullshit."
The romance with Dean wore off after the first few months. Nothing has seemed right with either of them for many years now, but they keep going on. Darrell, at times, badly wants to cheat on Dean. He yearns to go out and find a new lover, but doesn't have the courage...doesn't want to take the risk.
He's convinced himself that he wants to be with a woman. He seems to like women, is generally friendly, and gets along well with them...but only at a safe distance. He knows he can't be with a woman in any serious, close, or intimate way for a sustained period of time.
"Their vagina is too big."
He's subconsciously afraid of being "swallowed up" by a woman...feels he has to keep them at a distance for his survival.
I'm seeing that he believes he's the "cream of the crop," and is settling for less than he should with Dean. He has many illusions about who the "right" man is for him. Dean satisfies none of them, but he keeps hanging on to him.
Darrell has felt desolate and alone his entire life. While in the womb, his mother was feeling desolate and alone, and he'd feel her feelings and wasn't attempting to separate himself from them. He indulged himself in a certain kind of lethargy, wanting to be close to his mother, wanting to be one with her...any way he could.
Down, lethargic, depressed, discouraged, and sorry for herself, describes his mother's emotional state during most of her pregnancy. Darrell from early-on was nurtured in that negative energy atmosphere. Moreover, I'm seeing him not just enduring it, he was participating in it.
Many fetuses refuse to participate or roll-over. They make energetic attempts to buffer and protect themselves from a parent's negative psychological energy. Darrell made no such attempts.
His mother was very afraid of giving birth, and Darrell, as a fetus, was often enveloped in her fear energy. Aside from being afraid of the possibility of pain, his mom was also overwhelmed by strong, unexplainable feelings of hatred toward her unborn child. She didn't understand them...they were getting her crazy. She was afraid to mention this to anyone because she didn't want people judging her for having such terrible feelings.
Basically, his mother didn't want another child and was trying hard to ride above that reality. But, she was plagued with guilt because she was rejecting the life inside her...a life which she had a maternal responsibility to love and care for.
Baby Darrell, during the latter stages of the pregnancy, was personally experiencing much fear of his environment/mother. I'm seeing that fear persisting all through his early life. He wet his bed up to when he was sixteen years old. He was extremely insecure and would tell himself that the bed wetting was what was making him so insecure. As a young child, he often felt heartbroken and would have pains in his chest. He also had asthma and problems with fluid and mucus building in his lungs.
He remained sickly through most of his early childhood. I'm getting that his poor physical health was mainly caused by his greatly suppressed anger and his choices to doggedly refuse to show it. Outwardly, he was willing to show fear and insecurity, but never anger. He currently still seethes with anger and frustration and almost every sentence he utters reflects his control and frustration.
I'm seeing that his resistance is still very low. He gets sick often with colds and the flu. This is one reason he stays in the relationship with Dean; it's safe. He knows what he's got and doesn't want to risk going out and getting involved with someone he doesn't know or trust. But, I'm seeing here that Darrell's concern for safety is negated by the fact that, as far as I can tell, he has already contracted AIDS. He consciously doesn't know it, but subconsciously does. That's what's feeding his current intense sense of frustration. His inner state reflects the extremely difficult place he finds himself in. Underneath, he's desperate and panicking.
I'm going back to when he was two years old. He was feeling overwhelmed and done-to by his mother. He went running to his father...wanting to get away from her and be with him. His mother was possessive and jealous.
Darrell's father had these thoughts,
"This is my son.
I had him.
I made him.
I have to take care of him.
He's mine."
I'm seeing his son at age three and a half thinking,
"Daddy puts his stick in me.
He puts his stick in my mouth."
His father was pretty forceful and angry when he was sexual with his son. Darrell eventually backed away from his father. He was then afraid of both his parents. His father started the abuse by putting his penis in Darrell's mouth and coming. That was the major thing that went on...it became almost a nightly ritual lasting for many years.
Darrell had an older brother, and his father was sexual with him also. It was a way of keeping his children subservient. He justified it by telling himself,
"I have to keep my boys in line."
Even with all that, I'm seeing that Darrell still tended more toward his father than his mother. He was more in agreement with him, and ran more from her possessive energy.
End of Peek []
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