Bisexual Research - Bisexual Inner Profile - Stew

I'm going to four months in the womb. His mother was really tired, very controlling. She was dreading having another boy, she wanted a little girl. She really didn't want a child at all at this time, but a girl would have been better than a boy. His mother was saying after he was born, "He's just like his father, Stew is just like his father." He copied his father. He had his father's personality. His father was kind of a show off and a clown and, at times, was quiet and withdrawn. I'm seeing that Stew's father was a closet homosexual, he was very attracted to men. He did have some homosexual relationships before the marriage.

As far as his boys were concerned, both of them were sexually attracted to them because they were boys. Stew's father worked hard to hide this sexual attraction, and tried to eliminate men from his life by marrying early because he didn't want the stigma of being gay. He was really pushing his feelings down under and if he got married, felt that there wouldn't be the temptation. He could somehow make the sex with a female good, the way he did with a male.

Stew's father was extremely image conscious. It was the 60's, and being openly gay would be a real embarrassment, a real negative stigma. He also felt the needed to have someone take care of him emotionally, someone stronger, a woman. He felt that a man couldn't take care of him emotionally or keep him stable. His relationships with men were more for thrills. They were unique kinds of experiences that couldn't be lasting things. He couldn't picture himself like being married or living with a man.

When his first son was born he had a flash. In the back of his mind, he thought he could do what he did with men with his son when he got older. He quickly put the thought out of his mind but had this intention and desire. He kept this pretty well hidden but it looks like by the time his older son was about three, he began sexually abusing him. He would get very strong sexual urges towards his son and act on them.

On the outside, all this was buried. Nobody was going to know about this and he believed it was "okay" and "harmless." On top, Stew's father was personable and likable, and you wouldn't suspect that he had this compulsion or homosexual urges. He saw his compulsion and the sex with his son as fulfilling a need and an excitement that he could have at anytime. He could have it without taking chances, without going outside the marriage. It was safe, not like picking up a strange man and risking getting some kind of a disease. He felt he couldn't take that chance, but had this real inner excitement in his 1st and 2nd energy centers. His son could be all this for him.

He was telling himself that in order to be in balance it was good to have sex with both men and women. It was like yang and yin. The women are stronger and the men are more passive. The thrill he would get from other men he believed made him more open and aggressive. And it looks like Stew's father was also sexually abused by his mother, but he ran from her and felt she was very controlling. He feels that his wife is similarly controlling. She is the more powerful one. She is the more controlling one. That's why he is not as open sexually, and closes down in her presence. Then, he doesn't have the excitement or feeling of openness that he had when during homosexual encounters.

Stew's father was very excited about Stew being a boy. Subconsciously, he knew his baby was a boy long before he and his wife consciously found out. He wanted to have another baby and was telling himself it would be good to have another boy because they could play together. His wife wanted a girl because she felt that a girl would be easier to handle, a girl would be more passive.

Stew in the womb

It looks like at four months in the womb Stew was drawn to his father's energy. Subconsciously, his father was very excited about him and about the possibility of having a strong connection and relationship with him. Not necessarily sexual, actually, yes, sexual, because that's what he was feeling and thinking in the back of his mind but it was more a feeling connection, a heart connection.

He could relate better to a boy, and feel good about a boy. Whereas, if the baby was a girl he would be more restrained, more closed. He didn't think of it in these words, it was more a feeling he had like with his wife. With her, he believed he was more closed down and that was in response to where she was at. It was also because his wife was subconsciously rejecting men and had hatred of men, Stew's father e was really reacting to that and then on top of that, he had his own subconscious patterns of preferring men because of his own mother's control and abuse. He was energetically going away from his mother and gravitated toward his father. He felt inadequate in relation to his wife but knew he wouldn't feel inadequate in relation to his sons.

Spitfire

This is in relation to the older son. He was acting-out at three years old, was like a lunatic, doing crazy, off the wall things. He couldn't be trusted alone even for a minute. With Stew's mom being pregnant and having this little monster running around, she was dreading having another child.

By six months into the pregnancy, she knew or sensed that Stew was a boy and felt very disheartened. She decided that didn't want to have any more children, two was enough. She was telling herself that two was all they could afford and she wanted a girl. She was afraid if she tried to get pregnant again, she might have another boy. That she did not want.

Stew's mother was also jealous of the connection that her husband had with their older boy. The child was only three years old, but his father had definite attraction and preference for men energetically, and his wife felt this and it translated into a rejection of her. She saw her husband being more open with this little boy, more than he was ever open with her. He would play with him, hold him, and openly care about him, she was jealous of that.

Secure

I'm looking to see where Stew's older brother is in relation to his parents. It seems like he is more connected to his mother, more in agreement with his mother, and energetically running from his father. He is actually running from his father's strong attachment and attraction to him. He is running to his mother, but I see that his mother has a "wall" up and is not willing to genuinely give to him or let down her energetic wall or let some positive emotions to come out, She is extremely structured. Stew's brother is running to his mother, but then he gets stopped short by her coldness and lack of depth.

This boy has no outlet for his anger and frustration in relation to his father's psychic and energetic advances towards him. Now, at three years old, his father's physical abuse made him totally angry, off the wall, doing anything to get attention. The acting out is in reaction to his father, but also very much to get his mother to make some kind of a real connection with him because she is refusing to do that. This is occurring when she is about six months pregnant with Stew.

She is on edge and emotionally a basket case. Nothing is working out, she is feeling just totally overwhelmed by her one child and the thought of having another one is pushing her over the edge. Stew, as a six month fetus, because of his mother's thoughts and feelings is energetically going toward his father. He is running from his mother, running from everything that he is feeling from her; her rejection, craziness, and control.

So here, I was about to call Stew "Ted" again. He is reluctant, reaching out toward his father because he feels that sometimes he feels good things from his father, but then he also feels the energy of his tremendous sexual perversion and backs away from that. That energy makes him feel very uncomfortable and strange.

Angry energy

His mother is so frustrated and angry all the time, really stressed out , and that makes him feel like he needs some relief. That is why he puts his attention out toward his father. I'm seeing him energetically hooking into his father; actually angrily hooking into his father saying, "Help me!"

From a very early age, Stew strongly wanted to please his father and I remember, I think it was this other young gay, Ted, saying to me that he wanted to have a vagina or he was jealous of his mother's vagina. I just got a flash of the same thing here with Stew. As he got older, there was this deep inner thing of wanting to be one with his father, wanting to please his father, wanting to be just, this feeling that he wanted his father in his heart, in him and inside of him, and if he had a vagina he could do that, that would happen.

I'm getting the sense of this because of the feeling of wanting to get away from his mother, here in the womb. Not that it was sexual, but just wanting to be kind of enveloped by his father, enveloped with a different kind of energy than his mother's energy. So he had a very strong urge going to his father while inside the womb.

He would feel his father's excitement about him coming into the world and being close to him and, when he felt that Stew wanted to really be with his father. On the other hand, he felt his mother's dread and a feeling of self-sacrificing, having to sacrifice herself for him, to take care of him, to give him birth, to carry him. So having a baby really was a burden, a tedious job, and baby Stew felt all this in relation to his mother. He felt her rejection and that he was a real problem. In contrast to the welcoming excitement he was feeling from his father.

End of Peek []

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