Coming in 2011
True for Many Book
This book will contain Gay Men, Lesbian, and Bisexual Case Studies by Jean Mastellone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 
"Ola"
Bisexual Reading by Jean Mastellone
 

Names and other identifying facts have been changed. 
Any similarity to person's living or dead is purely coincidental.
 

sexually explicit notice 

 

First energy center

 

From puberty, Ola had the feeling she wanted to be a man.  This was getting her very upset and she thought maybe she had the wrong hormones by mistake.  She was sick as a child and she thought maybe it had to do with the medication she had taken for years.  She remembers always wishing she was a boy and wishing she had a little penis, this was from five or six years old.  Her subconscious idea of a penis is still one of a seven or eight year old boy.  Even though she looked like a girl as I looked at her physical picture I kept thinking she was a boy.  This was because she wanted so much to be a boy and she projected that.  She pretends she's a boy when she's with a girl lover.  She would pretend she was her father when her mother was having sex with her.  Ola is saying, "I can't do this my way, I want to be a boy."

 

She sees herself as devilish and does prankish things that a boy would do.  She's saying, "God made me like a boy, I want to play like a boy, be reckless like a boy. I have to control my reality because I don't like what is real in my life.  I have to keep my secret dream to myself.  No one loves me, no one cares."  As I'm looking at this little girl, and physically she does look like a little girl, she's controlling her image to a very great extent, her image is very important to her.  The way she looks is important, the way she combs her hair, there's not a hair out of place.  I'm getting that she's jealous of boy lovers.  When she sees young boys or young men dating young girls and imagines them having sex with girls she gets jealous of that.  She wants to be like them, she wants to be a boy.  She wants to be with a girl who is not gay or not bisexual.  She has a dream about this and is attracted to women who have a heterosexual feel about them, who tend towards men rather than women.  Ola feels this way because she imagines that she can be more like a man in this kind of a situation but it never happens.

 

She doesn't want to be with a girl who wants to be with a girl, she wants to be with a girl who wants to be with a guy.  And this is partly why she's bisexual, because she can get in on threesomes sometimes and this is exciting for her.  She has been with heterosexual girls in the tree way thing.  But the heterosexual girl is usually more focused on the guy and doesn't want to interact sexually with her.  Ola has had this experience a couple of times but she feels the rejection of these women and then she wants the experience even more.

 

Ola’s desire to be boy has to do with wanting to please her mother.  It has to do with making her mother like a king, a god.  It has to do with being in solid agreement with her mother.  Wanting to do whatever her mother says and to be the man in her mother's life.  She wants to take the place of her father.

 

I'm going to look at Ola’s patterns in relation to her mother.  Ola’s mother was strict with a defiant attitude.  She had to have things her own way; she ruled the house and ruled her husband.  And this young girl was passive in relation to her mother.  She resented and hated her mother yet she felt glued to her.  Ola’s mother had power over her and in a sick way she liked this.  Her mother was an entrepreneur type of a person and to look at her from the outside you wouldn't think that she was sexually abusing or being defiant.  She seemed positive, outgoing, and aggressive.  She was a businesswoman.  And Ola idolized her mother; she wanted to be like her.  She felt that she could never be like her mother and so she kept striving and striving to please her.

 

Part of Ola’s wanting to be like a boy was in copying her mother's aggressiveness, trying to copy her mother being businesslike and all together which Ola saw as being manly.  She saw her mother as being important and influential.  And so in the beginning, she accepted the sexual abuse.  It looks like it started early on, two, three years old, before she had any ideas of wanting to be like her mother, at least conscious ideas about being like her physically.  But she saw that her mother got what she wanted in relation to her father.  Her mother was in charge so she sided with her mother so she could get what she wanted.  She saw that if she sided with her father she wouldn't get what she wanted from her mother.  So very early on she made subconscious agreements to be in agreement with her mother and for her mother to be the most special to her. 

 

When Ola was four, five, six, and during her growing up years her mother would dress her up they would go out to lunch or she would take her to meetings or shopping.  Ola’s mother always made a fuss over her and made these outings special by buying her clothes and toys.  Ola loved this feeling of being with her mother, being important, and being dressed up. 

 

As she got older, she associated these outings with her mother's control and sexual activity.  She went along with the sexual activity only because she wanted to be special.  I'm seeing that around eight or nine years old, she started resenting the sex and being extremely repulsed by it.  Getting dressed up was a symbol of the abuse in a way.  Her mother would buy her things and she would do sexual things for her mother.  Ola’s mother would dress her up very feminine and she would resent that because she'd want to be like a boy.  And the more her mother dressed her up feminine, the more she wanted to be like a boy and dress like a boy.  And this was a fight and a struggle but she rarely expressed this to her mother.  She kept it inside.  And so she internalized it and wanted to be like a boy inside and have a penis.  I’ve been looking at the patterns she had with her mother at around seven or eight years.

 

I'm going to now go to present time, the time of the picture.  I'm seeing that she really has a very strong facade about how she is and being with men and being with women.  She likes men being attracted to her but she needs drinking or drugs to be with men.  And what I'm seeing is she gets a lot of pleasure and sexuality with men because she has this feeling that she's putting something over on her mother, that she's doing something she shouldn't be doing and this gives her a feeling of excitement.  Doing something wrong makes her feel sophisticated.  Going against her mother makes her feel sophisticated.  She wants to appear to be androgynous so you won't, if you look at her you won't really know if she's a girl or a boy.  She has a lot of crazy ideas about what it means to be androgynous.  She feels that in a way she's sexless and in that sexless-ness she can be with anyone, male or female and be totally sexual.  It's a freeing kind of experience and she has a lot of ideas about this.  She thinks being with men and women is a healing experience.  She tells herself that it's more natural.  She believes that everyone is like this only they don't have the courage to express the way she does.

 

Ola imagines herself to have a penis when she's walking around on the street.  This excites her.  She's very angry towards women and one of the reasons she has relationships with women is so she can get even with her mother by getting even with them.  She can express her anger in sexuality.  She's convinced this is the way to go.  She's totally focused on her vagina being a penis, subconsciously, and most of her sensuality comes out of this idea.  Ola looks pretty and soft but she's hard inside.  She feels extremely angry and stuck and she seems to be pretty split.  She thinks that she can have anything she wants at any time she wants.

 

She does a tremendous amount of playacting in her relationships and she's very sexually inclined.  She doesn't like to have one lover but goes from one to the next as far as the females go.  And she likes to be with a man only with another woman there.  And the point in being with a man is that she gets more of a thrill when another woman is present.  In doing this it’s like she's saying to her mother, "See I can be with my father too and you can't do anything about it."  The way a child would play the mother against the father, she would play her mother against her father sexually.

 

Ola seems to be involved in some kind of fashion as far as work is concerned.  As I said she's very image conscious and knows how to dress well.  Holding her image together and the way she is with people helps her to appear to be sane but she is quite crazy in her head.  It's hard for her to hold things together, to hold things in reality she's got reality very distorted.

 

End of Peek  []

 
 

 

 

 


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